Jessica’s Story: Co-Parenting With a Narcissist That Always Has to Be a Hero
Introduction: When Co-Parenting Feels Like a Competition You Didn’t Sign Up for
Co-parenting with a narcissist isn’t just exhausting—it’s a relentless game of one-upmanship. Every holiday, school event, or bedtime call becomes a stage for your ex to shine as the “hero parent,” leaving you scrambling to protect your child from manipulation, broken promises, and emotional whiplash.
Sound familiar?
Narcissistic co-parents thrive on admiration and control. For example, they might lavish gifts, make grand promises, or rewrite history to paint themselves as flawless—all while subtly undermining your role. But here’s the truth: Your child doesn’t need a hero. Instead, they need stability, honesty, and unconditional love.
The good news? You can break free from the drama when co-parenting with a narcissist. By refusing to compete, setting unshakable boundaries, and focusing on your child’s well-being, you can neutralize their tactics and create a safe, predictable environment.
In this guide, you’ll discover how to:
- Stay consistent (even when they’re trying to “out-parent” you).
- Protect your child’s self-esteem from conditional love and guilt trips.
- Document their behavior to safeguard your rights and your child’s truth.
- Let time reveal their patterns—without badmouthing or stooping to their level.
Ultimately, this isn’t about “winning.” Rather, it’s about giving your child the quiet strength they’ll remember long after the hero act fades. Ready to begin?
Jessica Used to Believe in David’s Greatness
When they first met, David seemed to have a way of captivating a room, commanding attention, and spinning stories that made him seem larger than life. She was so proud of him and would say to herself that he wasn’t just any man—he was a visionary, a leader, a man destined for greatness. And that’s precisely how David so convincingly described himself.
David would talk about the businesses he was about to start, the promotions he was almost getting, the people who just didn’t understand his genius. Jessica never questioned his ability to achieve his goals because, after all, she completely believed in him. She ignored the red flags—the fact that his so-called “success” was always just out of reach, that somehow, someone else was always to blame for why he wasn’t where he claimed he should be.
Although she didn’t realize it, Jessica had convinced herself that David was just waiting for his big break. Little did she know that David’s “grandiosity” is one of the traits of an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Here is an official definition:
Grandiose sense of self-importance – Exaggerates achievements, talents, or abilities and expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate accomplishments
Then they had children. And Jessica saw the truth. Because the moment those babies came into the world, it stopped being about David–which was something he couldn’t stand.
The Perfect Father in Public, the Absent One At Home
David suddenly became Father of the Year when their first child was born. In public, he tended to…
Show up to family gatherings holding the baby just long enough for the perfect photo.
Tell everyone at work how he was up all night with the baby—even though it was always Jessica, exhausted, rocking their child back to sleep at 2 AM.
Brag to anyone who would listen about how much he sacrificed for his kids—while still expecting Jessica to handle every diaper, every feeding, every appointment.
But if Jessica ever asked him for help? If she was drowning under the weight of motherhood and simply needed a break? His often times hurtful response was…
“Today, I worked too hard to come home to this.”
“You have it easy at home while I bring in the money.”
“I don’t have time for this? Do you know how important my work is?”
And so, Jessica carried the burden of his attacks until she could no longer deal with the situation that she found herself in.
Jessica finally found the courage to leave David, believing that things would be different once she was free from his presence.
But unfortunately, that was not to be. Jessica was dead wrong in her thinking that things would be different after leaving the marriage.
A Narcissist With the Grandiosity Trait Just Focuses on Being Super Hero
If David had one goal after Jessica left, it wasn’t to be a present father. It was to prove that he was better than her.
David didn’t just want to be a good dad—he wanted to be the superior parent. The favorite. The one everyone praised.
So when he had the kids in his care, it was never about them. It was all about him.
He took them to expensive outings—not because they enjoyed it, but because he could tell everyone how much money he spent on them.
The children’s father bought them toys—not because he cared, but because he wanted to hear, “Dad, you’re the best!”
He let them stay up late and skip their homework—not because it was good for them, but because he wanted them to say, “Mom never lets us do this. You’re so much more fun!”
And when Jessica tried to talk to him about routines, school schedules, or discipline? He would routinely lash out against her.
“I don’t need you telling me how to parent.”
“You just don’t want them to love me more than you.”
“I know what I’m doing. Maybe you should take some notes.”
There was no reasoning with a man who thought he was above reason.
When the Kids Started to See Through the Act
At first, Jessica worried. How could she compete with a man who made every visit feel like a vacation?
She stuck to routines. She made sure they did their homework. She enforced bedtime. She wasn’t the “fun” parent, and for a while, it hurt.
But then… something happened.
The kids started noticing that Daddy’s big promises didn’t always come true.
- He told them he was taking them on a big trip—but it never happened.
- Promised the kids a pony for their birthday—but never followed through.
- Bragged about how he built things for them—but they saw the Amazon boxes arrive on the porch.
Of course, this was the way that Jessica had hoped for things to end up. She always had hoped that she would have a positive parenting experience with the father of her children because she was the product of a broken home. Her mother and father fought all the time. They never got along.
Slowly the Illusion Started to Crack
One night, after a weekend with their father, Jessica’s oldest, now six, came to her and said:
“Mom, Daddy says he’s the best dad ever. But if he really was, wouldn’t he spend more time with us?”
Jessica had spent years trying to explain to David what real parenting looked like. But in the end, the kids saw it for themselves.
Closing thoughts
Jessica learned that you can’t change a narcissist—BUT you can change how you respond to them.
David needed to be the hero, the best, the superior parent. And Jessica? She just needed to be the real one.
And in the end, that’s all that mattered.
Because children grow up. They see the truth. And when they do, it won’t be about who bought them the biggest gift—it will be about who was truly there.
And Jessica was there.
Key Take Aways: How to Co-Parent When Your Narcissistic Co-Parent Always Has to be a Hero
If you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, especially one who believes they are bigger and better than everyone else, here’s what you need to know:
1. Don’t Compete—Be Consistent
❓Why? Narcissists will always try to “outdo” you. But kids don’t need grand gestures—they need stability.
☑️ What to do: Stick to routines. Keep your boundaries. Your child may not see the value in consistency now, but they will as they grow.
2. Don’t Try to Reason with Them
❓Why? A narcissist won’t change just because you explain logic to them.
☑️ What to do: Limit communication to only what is necessary. Keep it factual and child-focused. Avoid debating or engaging in emotional conversations.
3. Let the Kids See the Truth Over Time
❓Why? You don’t have to expose your ex—they will do it themselves.
☑️ What to do: When your child starts questioning the other parent’s behavior, be honest, but age-appropriate. Let them come to their own conclusions.
4. Protect Your Child’s Self-Esteem
❓Why? Kids with narcissistic parents often feel like they have to “earn” their love.
☑️ What to do: Remind your child that they are loved just as they are. Encourage their self-worth outside of the narcissistic parent’s validation.
5. Document Everything
❓Why? Narcissists love to rewrite history and make themselves the victim.
☑️ What to do: Keep records of every promise they break, every missed visit, and every manipulative tactic. This protects you if legal action is needed. And here’s a good article on the subject of setting boundaries: The Power of Co-Parenting Boundaries. You shouldn’t underestimate the use of boundaries when your co-parent has displayed narcissistic traits.
Frequently Asked Questions
📌 Stick to consistency over competition. While your ex may shower the kids with expensive gifts and outings, those things don’t build trust, security, or emotional connection. Children thrive on routine, stability, and emotional presence. Over time, they will recognize who truly shows up for them, not just who entertains them.
📌 Be age-appropriate, honest, and neutral. If your child asks why their other parent didn’t follow through, respond with something like: “I know you were looking forward to that. I’m sorry it didn’t happen.” Avoid blaming or making excuses for your ex—just validate your child’s feelings and let them process it.
📌 Control what you can in your own household. A narcissistic parent often refuses to follow structure just to assert dominance. Instead of arguing, focus on keeping consistency when your child is with you. Kids are resilient—they can adapt to different environments and will appreciate the structure you provide.
📌 This is temporary and developmentally normal. Children, especially young ones, are naturally drawn to the parent who offers more immediate gratification. Stay the course. Over time, kids recognize who is truly reliable and emotionally available. Keep being the stable, safe, and loving presence in their lives, and they will come to appreciate it.
📌 Praise effort, not just results. A narcissistic parent often makes love conditional—only given when the child makes them look good. You can counteract this by reinforcing their worth as a person, not just their achievements. Say things like: “I’m proud of you for trying your best,” or “I love you no matter what.” This helps your child build self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation.
